The News Exposed

Time for another edition of the Naked News.

Today is the last day of the Burning Man Festival, that sun and dust soaked orgy in Black Rock Desert of Nevada: New Sheriff Overseeing Burning Man to Crack Down on Naked Rule-Breakers

A new Nevada sheriff tasked with overseeing the upcoming Burning Man festival plans to crack down on the annual desert debauchery.

Jerry Allen, 39, who was elected Pershing County Sheriff in January, said he plans to tighten law enforcement for the tens of thousands of festival-goers journeying to the remote Black Rock Desert next week for the annual event, the Reno Gazette-Journal reported on Tuesday.

Bonus Burning Man. Go see Katy Perry try to ride a segue for the first time, in the middle of a dust blizzard. Warning, no nudity.

In recent years, many attendees at the weeklong event — where nudity is the norm, drugs flow as if on tap and orgies litter the desert — have not been charged for crimes like marijuana possession, according to federal reports on the event, but the new sheriff in town said he has a tougher police protocol in mind.

“We don’t have the personnel to issue citations to 70,000 naked people on the playa, but we will be upholding the law to the best of our ability,” Allen said. He added that Burning Man “brings nothing … except for heartache” to the conservative, rural county.

Burning Man organizers said they remain optimistic because the low number of arrests in years past suggest more festival-goers are abiding by the law.

I guess we'll find out soon.

Isn't getting naked and doing drugs the primary reason for Burning Man? I think it's good to let them practice anarchy out in the middle of the desert. When something goes wrong, just don't answer the phones.

In our last episode, "Nudes in the News", we saw how Bill DeBlasio and the Democrats were trying to find ways to crack down on the "desnudas" of Times Square, the girls dressed mostly in body paint who offer to pose with people for a few bucks. They've been infiltrated by a reporter, who goes out of cover to bring you their side of the story:

Amber Jamieson

I went undercover as a topless performer in Times Square - By Amber Jamieson

A little girl in a hot pink T-shirt looks up at me as if staring at a princess. “You’re so pretty! Can I take a selfie with you?” she asks.

“Of course!” I say, crouching down so my feathered headdress and star-spangled painted boobs fit into the picture, her little brother also squeezing in.

The girl, around 7 years old, beams for the camera.

“I’m sending that to my mom!” she shouts, immediately texting it. Just another happy customer for me, the Scourge of New York City.

At least she has the body for it. Imagine if Bob Woodward had tried this expose'.

The painted ladies of Times Square have become Public Enemy No. 1 this summer. Gov. Andrew Cuomo says they remind him of the bad old days; Mayor Bill de Blasio immediately created a task force to try to ban them.

“It’s wrong. It’s just wrong,” tutted de Blasio.

I knew I had to join them.

So on Monday night, I stopped one of the performers, Saira, 29, after work. “Are you a desnuda?” I asked.

Turns out calling her ­“Naked Lady” in Spanish was a little too blunt.
“We call ourselves painted street performers,” she ­replied.

So, how did it work out?

At 10 p.m., the day’s finally over. We go to a nearby bank because it’s well lit and there are cameras, and Chris counts out the $286 I made. I’m such a newbie I forgot to count the cash before I gave it to David, so I can only assume that’s everything I made. Chris rounds it to $300 and gives me $210.

Not bad, but hardly worth getting an apartment in Manhattan for.

Susan Goldberg writes: What the Times Square Topless Girls Will Teach My Son

So, dear topless women of New York, thank you for making my job as a parent all the easier. Women like you were once the stuff of hushed whispers and wild imaginations. You would inspire a young man’s intrigue and lure him into dark places or lurid pay websites. Now my son can see you for what you’ve allowed yourselves to become, and what you’re encouraging every modern woman to be: more trouble than you’re worth.

Sorry Mom; it just doesn't work that way.

The Naked Cyclists Amass in the City of Brotherly Love:

Thousands of bicyclists in various stages of undress have pedaled their way around the city for Philadelphia’s annual naked bike ride.

The ride began at Drexel Park on 32nd Street and Powelton Avenue around 3 p.m. Saturday.

Debbie Kaighn, who was riding in the popular annual event for the third time, wore shoes, socks and body paint. On her front were streaks and splashes of yellow and green paint, and on her back was the message "Live free, ride nude."

"I'm a naturist, and I believe in body freedom," she said. "And I'm also a cyclist."

The 12-mile ride through the City of Brotherly Love is among many related to the World Naked Bike Ride movement. Riders on the twisting course wheeled through University City, around the Rittenhouse Square park, down to City Hall and through Chinatown. Giddy crowds cheered them on while shooting photos and videos on their cellphones.

The whole parade can be viewed here; fair warning, it's not called the City of Brotherly Love for nothing. . .

Speaking of brotherly love, the irrepressible Zombie recounts his visit to the "Up Your Alley" Street Fair in San Francisco on July 26th. If you really want to find out who's providing the margin for Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Fienstein and Barbara Boxer, visit this page. Otherwise you would be well advised to steer clear of it.

State Of Florida Passes Law Which Makes Nudity Legal At All Public Beaches - But here's a twist, they tax it:

The state of Florida has made a bold change to its laws concerning nudity at public beaches, and this one might ruffle some feathers. Beginning August 1st, full nudity will be legal at all public beaches – as long as you obtain a Florida State Nudity License (FSNL).

Governor Rick Scott approved the bill passed by the state legislature making public nudity at state-owned beaches legal, and he encourages tourists and residents to make use of new law. “Today is a great day. Not only will it be legal to hang out at the beach totally nude, but we encourage you do to so,” Governor Scott said. “As long as you are a fairly attractive person, nobody is going to complain.” . . .

Sadly, it's only a parody site. It was such a good idea.

But this is apparently real: Woman Caught Breastfeeding Child While Driving

A Washington State Patrol trooper pulled over the woman while she was driving on Interstate 5 in Everett.

Trooper Mark Francis, public information officer for Washington State Patrol District 7, tweeted that someone called 911 to report a baby was riding on the mother’s lap while she was driving. When the trooper pulled her over, he realized she was breastfeeding the child.

According to KIRO, the woman told the trooper that the child wouldn’t stop crying and that she’s breastfed while driving before.

She was cited for a child restraint violation.

I'd give her a break.

He Paints Celebs With His Penis

I suppose if Katy Perry or Susan Saradon need their body paint touched up for Burning Man, I might consider it. . . .

. . . But that is exactly what artist Tim Patch did when creating his remarkable lifelike portraits. He paints with his penis and other body parts more often found inside his boxer shorts, when he’s not at work. It’s why Tim Patch is otherwise known as Pricasso.

These works are not so much a statement on the state of politics but rather a unique painting process that the artist has developed.

“Firstly, I grab my penis and testicles and plunge the whole lot into a pot of paint,” Patch tells The Daily Beast. “The combination of balls and dick holds lots of paint, so then I just scrub them all over the canvas, which I hold in one hand until the canvas is sufficiently covered.”

Oh, you mean he paints pictures Of celebrities with his penis, not celebrities! That headline was a little misleading. Maybe he should get together with the lady who pulls yarn out of her vagina to knit with. Who know what kind of joint art venture they might create.