The Great Yoga Pants Panic

Women rush to protect yoga pants from the not-so-imminent threat of having yoga pants outlawed.

Fear, Loathing, And The Great American Yoga Pants Panic

I’m going to come right out and say it: I am a person who wears yoga pants. I wear them on hikes. I wear them to Starbucks. I wear them to the grocery store. I even wore them to my last meeting with the Illuminati, which was conveniently held at the secretive, exclusive, and redwood-lined Bohemian Grove.

Ha, ha, just kidding! Women aren’t allowed at the Bohemian Grove! This is unfortunate, because its woodsy, back-to-nature atmosphere would be perfect for yoga pants. It’s sad, really, but I always manage to assure myself that if I were a man, I would be at the top of their invite list. But, then again, if I were a man, I wouldn’t have the pleasure of being bashed for the simple act of wearing a pair of comfortable and practical pants.

J Law wears yoga pants

Yoga pants, you see, are under fire. Last week, a Montana state legislator, in sponsoring a now-failed bill against “indecent” clothing, set the Internet ablaze with his suggestion that “yoga pants should be illegal in public.” The alleged oppressor in question, a Rep. David Moore, later told the press that his comment was a poorly timed, offhand joke. Perhaps this is true; perhaps not. The fact remains that the Great Yoga Pants Moral Panic is nothing new.

This Isn’t an Isolated Incident

Kaley Cuoco wears yoga pants

In January, Christian blogger Veronica Patridge issued her own gentle fatwa against yoga pants, claiming that they—together with their ’80s-inspired sister, the legging—were leading men astray. Form-fitting pants, Patridge wrote, unfairly “enticed” men, inspiring lustful thoughts. “I asked my husband his thoughts on the matter,” she wrote. “I appreciated his honesty when he told me, “Yeah, when I walk into a place and there are women wearing yoga pants everywhere, it’s hard to not look. I try not to, but it’s not easy.”

For crying out loud, people. Where’s my burka?

Some women even do yoga in them

Patridge’s post went viral, inspiring earnest discussion on Christian websites, scorned derision at places like the Huffington Post, and even an appearance on “Good Morning America.” “Though it may be difficult to find an outfit at times,” Patridge wrote,” my conscience is clear and I feel I am honoring God and my husband in the way I dress.” On the photo linking to this post, it should be noted, the very attractive Patridge is wearing a pair of tight jeans and a shirt with the top button—rather suggestively, if you were to ask, say, Jonathan Edwards of “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” fame—undone.

Seriously? Where do we draw the line? Skirts? High heels? Swimsuits? For crying out loud, people. Where’s my burka? Where’s the Tylenol?

or enjoy nature in them

Here, in short, is why women, particularly moms, wear yoga pants:

1. They are comfortable, and they do not wrinkle.
2. The black ones match with everything.
3. If you have small children, here is what you do throughout the day: Pick kids up, wipe noses, field incoming tackles like a professional wrestler, kneel on the ground in highly uncomfortable positions, cram your legs into weird tiny playground trains, get sat on, and otherwise emulate a very comprehensive high-end yoga workout, but with really weird props.
4. Using the guidelines of rational choice theory, it can be safely stated that it is a poor use of time to plan a real outfit that would not be remotely suitable for any of the activities above. That outfit can be saved for dinner.

Lots of women seem to take selfies in yoga pants

Ironically, whenever I wear yoga pants, I feel like a bit of a high-end hobo, not an alluring, heretical temptress—and I suspect the hordes of harried moms who join me at preschool drop-off feel the same way. Trust me, there are many ways that attractive women dress that could be construed as unfairly “enticing.” The solution would be to get over it.

I, for one, find the yoga pants epidemic to be a wonderful development , and promise to help resist any attempts to ban them in my little section of the world.

Wombat-Sochi has the main Rule 5 post "Rule 5 Monday: Winter Pinups" up at The Other McCain.