Oregon Elf Arrested After Losing Joust with BMW Demon

An Exclusive Interview With the Elf Who Dropped Acid and Jousted a Car

It’s been a few days since Konrad McKane lost his epic battle with the Dark Lord of Middle Earth, and he’s taking it pretty hard.

“Morgoth got the best of me,” he says from Providence St. Vincent Medical Center in Beaverton, Oregon, where he is undergoing psychiatric evaluation after being arrested last week.

A self-described rogue assassin, the 30-year-old Portlander made headlines after he rushed into a busy intersection and began jousting with a woman’s car using a sword. Loaded up with armor and psychedelics, McKane told cops that he was a “high elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth.”

“That woman was totally bad-vibing me, and I guess I just took it to the next level,” McKane says in an exclusive interview with Vocativ. “I wasn’t in my right mind. I was still rocking my new pair of elf ears.”
. . .
McKane gobbled up a potent cocktail of MDMA, Dimethyltryptamine and acid. “Moon Rocks, DMT and LSD—it was the trifecta!” he says. “Man, that shit’s pretty awesome. But don’t do it alone. Otherwise, you’ll end up wandering the streets on a weird spirit journey.”

Which is pretty much what happened. The drugs took hold and the game never quite got off the ground. McKane says the cops closed the park around 10 p.m. and he left to go dancing with friends. Later, he broke into a musician buddy’s practice space near the Hawthorne Bridge, where he spent the next several hours tripping balls and hanging out by himself.

By morning, McKane was channeling his Jaypar Prakkari character, fully immersed in a mission that could make sense only to a drug-addled LARPer. “I was here to save America,” he says. “In 10 days, Obama was going to be assassinated. Morgoth was chasing after me. I was chasing shadow dragons. It was crazy.”

 Dude!

At around 7 a.m., the weapon-wielding, hallucinating hero found himself at the intersection of Southeast Seventh Avenue and Morrison Street, where he decided to take on rush-hour traffic.

“I was walking down the yellow line in the middle of the road and jousting cars,” McKane says. “I was walking like I owned it, like I was a spaceship. People were honking horns and driving around me. Guys in trucks were being dicks. It was pretty fantastical. I was having great time.”
. . .
The fun ended when McKane found himself face-to-face with a red BMW, which he admits he mistook for a shape-shifting demon. The driver, a northeast Portland woman, had stopped in the middle of the road and was blasting her horn. A fearless McKane sprung into action.

“I hopped on her hood and tried to pierce her tires with my master sword,” he says. “I was trying to prove a point. Don’t mess with a dark elf.”

Oregon has it's own special blend of moron. I wonder who's paying the bills for this guy.