Well, He Won't Be Able to Say He Wasn't Warned

Bad Gamblers and Bisexuality

Have you ever heard of the TV show Brooklyn Nine-Nine? It’s a comedy. Anyway, this was the news in People magazine last October:

Wedding bells will be ringing soon for Stephanie Beatriz — the Brooklyn Nine-Nine actress got engaged to Brad Hoss over the weekend.
“Brad and I hosted our first party together this weekend: his friends, my friends and my sister all came,” the actress, 36, tells PEOPLE exclusively about the surprise proposal. “During the party, Brad pulled me aside. I’m thinking he’s going to tell me how great the party is going, that we make a great team … the usual lovely supportive thoughts he shares with me and really everyone who knows him.”

 I've heard of it, but I haven't watched any.

However, Hoss’s words were a bit sweeter than usual.
“He starts to pull something out of his pocket. My initial thoughts as a member of Bachelor nation is, ‘Oh my goodness, is this the moment where he asks me to marry him in front of a bunch of people?’”
Indeed, Hoss popped the question, and “the words were barely out of his mouth” before Beatriz said ‘yes,’” she adds. “I then started laughing … a lot!”

What would you estimate the odds of success of this marriage to be? Well, how about if I informed you of some more recent news?

Consider the fate of celebrity guys who married bisexual women. Angelina Jolie wrecked Brad Pitt’s life, and Johnny Depp was riding high until he made the mistake of marrying Amber Heard. It doesn’t matter who you blame for those Hollywood divorces; the point is that there is a negative correlation between bisexuality and marital permanence. The odds are clearly against long-term success, and if Stephanie Beatriz’s fiancé thinks he can beat those odds, well, good luck with that.

How many previous lesbian lovers has Stephanie Beatriz had? If her attraction to women is so persistent that she’s “bi till the day I die,” why didn’t she end up with a woman? Shouldn’t we suspect that Brad Hoss is marrying a woman so crazy that no lesbian wanted her? Like, the only woman he can get is one from the “Rejected by Lesbians” pile?
It’s like a bad gambler, shoving all-in on a pair of threes.

On the other hand, he’s 36 and bald, and his acting career hasn’t been very successful. If you’re an unsuccessful actor in Hollywood, probably you don’t have a lot of options, but I can’t imagine that being a desperate bald guy improves the odds of your marriage succeeding.

Eh, it's Hollywood. The chance of both the marriage being serious and her really being bisexual are sufficiently low that I don't think we need worry about it excessively.