Scientists Study Man's Perfect Fallibility

Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To Fuck Up Every Time

BALTIMORE—Neurologists at Johns Hopkins University confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Rockville, MD resident Erik Collins, a man who possesses an extraordinary and previously undocumented ability to fuck everything up.

According to Dr. William Moore, head of a research team studying exactly how Collins manages to drop the goddamn ball every single time, the 32-year-old sales associate represents a major conundrum for modern science.

"We've never seen these cognitive abilities in a human subject before," said Moore, adding that Collins invariably misses important appointments, fails to call loved ones on their birthdays, and runs out of gas at busy intersections. "Probability dictates that even the biggest fuckups should occasionally get things right, if only by accident. But not Erik. We observed him making breakfast in 72 experimental trials, and 72 times he ended up with an inedible gray mush."

"Seriously, how does anyone screw up toast?" Moore added.

I think I had him as an intern.