Liberal Astonished to Find Conservatives Make and Sell Stuff

Who does he think does it, elves? How Republican Is Whole Foods? I Used An App To Find Out

Not the author.

BuyPartisan is a new app that advertises itself as "like a nutritional label for your political values." Just scan the barcode of a food you like, wait for the melodious beep (*Bleep-bleep!*), and the app will spit out a pie-chart breakdown of how much money the company has donated to political causes over the past 10 years.

Curious about how BuyPartisan works, I decided to install the app and use it grocery shopping. As a Democrat, I was pretty sure that Dick Cheney and Jeb Bush probably sat on the board of Stop 'N' Shop. But surely Whole Foods, that gleaming pleasure dome of hyper-organic, eco-conscious foodstuffs that bleeding-heart bark chewers like myself love to visit when we're not congratulating ourselves for agreeing with John Oliver, would be different. Wouldn't it?

The essence of the business man is somebody willing to sell you the rope to hang yourself, if you really want to (they might try to talk you out of it first), and it shouldn't surprise anyone that conservative leaning businessmen are more than willing to  "organic" sounding food of dubious added value for a surcharge, provided that someone is happy to pay.

I started in the juice section, picking up a large bottle of Naked Juice.*Budddle-leep.* 94.5% Republican. Huh. Who knew? What about this bottle of Odwalla? *Boop-de-beedleee.* Okay, much better, although still, 37.5% of this bottle is Republican, making more than a third of this bottle of juice squeezed, not from mangos as it says on the label, but from the hearts of dead Iraqi orphans.

Very funny! But what is the aborted fetus content?

Checking my list, I noted the missus also wanted me to pick up some cereal. I grabbed a bag of Bob's Red Mill. *Gleeeble-fleep!* 49% Republican, 31% Democrat, 20% Other. Okay, how about Kashi?*Hooble-dee-zlorp!* That's better, I guess: 37.25% Republican to 33.5% Democrat, which means that the Kellogg's-owned Kashi brand bleeds bluer blood than that malevolently cackling, oatmeal-loving oligarch, Bob Moore. . .

"Uh, sir, can I help you finding anything?" a puzzled Whole Foods employee asked me as I sat cross-legged in the middle of an aisle, muttering to myself while scanning products with my iPhone and then hurling them in a dramatic arc behind me. But he couldn't, no matter how many times I shook him by the lapels, thrusting my iPhone in his face and screaming, "WHERE'S THE DEMOCRAT AISLE?" over and over again. I am pleased to report, however, that Whole Foods' crackerjack security team was very helpful in making sure that my front teeth met the curb outside. Nice chaps.

He probably made a mistake by doing his experiment at Whole Foods, instead of Walmart, where a majority of the products are likely to have come from Red China, which has in the past shown, shall we say, a certain interest in donating to the Democrats.

But overall, Republicans are the party of producers, and their employees who resent the attempts by government to regulate and direct their output, while Democrats are the party of the government employees who regulate business and their dependent food stamp class, with a few guilty minded plutocrats thrown in for good measure.

Wombat-socho is on time and within budget with this weeks giant "Rule 5 Sunday: Are You Ready For Some Football?" post.