Dear Caitlyn:

I find myself trapped as something I don't want to be, a 63 year old man with an indifferent physique, few athletic abilities, and a desire to be an Olympic medal winner. But with the your indulgence, and the indulgence of a few million other Americans, I would like to be the 1976 Men's Winner of the Olympic Decathlon. So, if you would please send me the medal, I could wear it, and become the winner, with a little help from Wikipedia, and the suspension of belief by the public.