America, As Viewed from Across the Pond

Flying breast milk and death by rooster: the best of American madness, 2011 

As an Englishman who has dedicated his life to the study of Americans, I’m sick to death of fellow Britons saying to me, “But aren’t they all just mad?” “No they’re not!” I reply. “They’re just very enthusiastic and given to shouting a lot.”...

So while I resent Louis Theroux, Stephen Fry, Billy Connolly and all the rest for making endless programmes about how mad the Americans are, let me take the one weekend of the year when no one will be reading Telegraph Blogs to share my five favourite bits of American craziness from 2011. The names of the people involved are mad enough:

1. Donald Duck settled out of court after he was accused of groping a housewife. Ms April Magolon said she was visiting Epcot Disney Center in Florida when an employee dressed as Donald Duck coped a feel while signing an autograph.... It might read like the lady was exaggerating, but closer inspection reveals that Donald Duck had form. The same employee had received 24 complaints for molestation and child battery while dressed as Tigger.

2. An Ohio woman sprayed cops with her breast milk while resisting arrest. ...“When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast-feeding mother.” As the cops tried to restrain her, Robinette “proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk.” Eventually she was subdued and charged with disorderly conduct. “This is a prime example of how alcohol can make individuals do things they would not normally do,” said the Sheriff.

3. ...In Ohio, a man was arrested after he was caught making love to an inflatable raft. Edwin Tobergta was getting it on with the rubber vessel in a dark alley when the raft’s owner walked in on them and called the cops. The police report said that Tobergta, “advised officers that he was doing it but only because he has a problem and that he needs help and please don’t send him to prison but send him somewhere to get help.” He may have been speaking the truth: in 2002 he was picked up on a similar charge after trying to have sex with an inflated pumpkin.

4. A California man was killed by a rooster with a knife strapped to its leg. Frankly, he had it coming. Jose Luis Ochoa was attending a cockfight in Bakersfield when things got out of hand and the rooster turned on the audience.

5. Sesame Street finally made it official: Bert and Ernie are not gay. The male puppets have been living together on the show for decades and this year a gay rights campaign started a petition to have them get married on air. The makers of Sesame Street were forced to issue a press release pointing out that Bert and Ernie, as puppets in a kid’s show, “do not have a sexual orientation”.

 Is that all ya got?   I'll bet Florida alone can beat that.