Teddy, the Antithesis of the Cuddly Pet

True porcupine stories. Li'l Brother Ted and I have extensive experience with Porcupines.  Back in Oregon, Ted and I used to visit and deer hunt on a piece of property owned by a corporation that our Dad helped found, Walden III.  It consisted of approximately 2000 acres of once cut timber land in Southern Oregon, where we had helped my father build a geodesic dome as a vacation home.

Porcupines were rather common there, and a serious threat to young trees. The local county, Douglas, had a bounty on them, $5 a nose, literally, IIRC.  To collect the bounty, one would present the skinned nose to the girls in the Country Clerks office, and they would pay $5 cash.  Of course, the girls in the office did not really enjoy this duty, and didn't really look closely at the shriveled, dried noses, and wouldn't notice if they had been cut in half, or even quarters...  Moreover, after paying the bounty, they would throw the noses in the trash, from where they could be retrieved for future redemption.  I hope the statute of limitations is past on this particular scheme.

Porcupines also represented a challenge to the dogs.  Ted had two dogs back then, a mutt named Spook, who looked like a black lab/collie cross, who was a deadly hunter, and Morgan, a Siberian/something cross, who was, uh, shall we say, enthusiastic?  I believe Morgan holds the world record for consecutive Porcupine attacks at three in one afternoon.  Three times in a single hike we encountered Porcupines, and Morgan attacked them.  The first and second times, she only got a few quills before we pulled her off and dispatched the porcupines.  The third time, she attacked with full vigor, and received a face full of quills for her trouble.  It took three of us to hold her down, using a pair of pliers to extract most of the quills.  I understand we missed a few and they emerged elsewhere a week or so later.

Porcupines also represented a potential human food source back in the lean college days.Cleaning and preparing a Porcupine for the table is interesting.  You can only handle the stomach and feet because of the quills, which end up everywhere, scattered around in your clothing etc.  After skinning them you lose about half the weight to the skin and quills.  Then, because they eat such low quality food, they have immense digestive systems, and getting rid of the guts and head cuts the yield in half again.  The bones are strong and thick, since they are arboreal climbers, and take up a good  portion of the rest.  However, porcupines often made a decent roast or stew.  Porcupine meat is lean and red, rather like beef, and tolerable if they have not been eating too many conifers.  Ah, good times!

Have you ever wondered how Porcupines have sex?  I have...